America may well be the land of the free, but it’s not the land of the three-ply, for the nation is in the grip of a toilet paper shortage.
Logistics issues coupled with rising energy and raw material costs have led to a vicious circle of rising prices and panic buying. Shoppers driven round the u-bend by a poverty of poo paper are now lifting loo roll from each other’s trolleys.
Much like when Britain’s 2021 supply chain woes saw cardboard cutouts of fruit and veg in supermarkets, some stores have resorted to sticking pictures of toilet tissue on shelves instead. Unfortunately, as the pictures are glossy, they’re not much use for wiping your bum with.
Boss of bogroll maker Kruger Products, Dino Bianco (or white dinosaur in English), said there “is no absolute shortage of tissue”. Ostensibly discussing panic buying in the wider context of shopping missions he was more on the money than he imagined: “When you need to go, you’ve got a very focused agenda.”
This is a position Under The Counter gets behind. When his colleagues see him shuffling off with a rolled-up newspaper, they know only too well what’s on the Auld Boy’s agenda.
Every cloud has a silver lining, however. Sales of bidets in the States are surging, a fact that brought a flush to UTC’s cheeks. The Auld Boy will never forget his first encounter with a sphincter shower; an ill-advised trip to France saw him put his back out drinking from one.
