One of Mrs UTC’s many duties is to ensure the Auld Boy looks fit to face the public every morning. This can prove problematic, given that Under The Counter hates wearing a belt and his trousers are too big for him; many a commuter’s morning has been ruined by a glimpse of his bumcrack as he shuffles through Glasgow Central.
The Portman Group is very much the Mrs UTC of the drinks industry, given that one of its many du-ties is deciding whether or not an alcoholic beverage’s packaging is likely to cause public offence.
Its rulings present a steady stream of entertainment for the Auld Boy. So much so, he has a list of favourites filed under ‘What was the manufacturer thinking?’
There’s Prescription Gin, offered in a medicine bottle with personalised pharmacist’s label; Quickie Wine (label featuring a scantily clad buxom blonde adjusting her stockings); and Unshaven Maiden, whose partially nude, bearded mermaid unbelievably caused “widespread offence”.
UTC was recently shocked to find, however, that a complaint had been made against the Four Loko ready-to-drink brand.
The complainant suggested the name sounded like Spanish for crazy and caused offence on mental health grounds. Not much for the Auld Boy to get hot under the string vest there, you might think.
It was the sheer hypocrisy that got the old goat’s goat though.
The complaint was raised on behalf of Corinthian Brands, which makes rival RTD Dragon Soop – a product that, as far as Portman Group complaints go, has been pulled up more often than UTC’s breeks.
