It’s fair to say that, as he journeys down the long and carnaptious road that is his life, Under The Counter stands considerably closer to the grave than the cradle.
He therefore took more than a passing interest when staff at Co-op Funeralcare in Govan went on strike last month.
Oddly enough, this is the only place in the UK where the Co-op makes coffins.
Now, UTC has been described as a “coffin-dodging auld so-and-so” on more than one occasion, so he was morbidly tickled at the prospect of dropping dead at the keyboard – heaven forbid – and there not being a box to bury him in.
His kind-hearted colleagues were quick to suggest alternatives, including a Glaswegian version of a Tibetan sky burial. Instead of leaving him atop a mountain for Himalayan vultures to feast on, this would involve dragging the Auld Boy’s remains up to George Square where the seagulls and pigeons could fight over his scrawny corpse like it was some drunk’s discarded half-eaten fish supper. A very salty one.
But enough wishful thinking and back to the Co-op. The striking coffin makers are members of Unite but it is unclear whether any fellow trade unionists also walked out, in deepest sympathy of course.
