Thanks must go to SLR contributor Karen Peattie for forwarding a press release with the most arresting opening line UTC has ever read: “Luxury global men’s jewellers Esculpta have launched a new range to complement their extensive range of penis rings”. A new range of whit?, said the auld yin to himself, very loudly.
“While cock rings might have previously been considered dull and tacky,” the press release went on, “Esculpta have long been on a mission to revolutionise this image.” Everyone at SLR Towers confidently agreed that the launch of the new ‘Whalebone Bulge-Booster Pro’ would certainly help achieve that aim.
Best of all in a world where we are all seeking great value, the Esculpta range also “doubles as stunning ornamental jewellery, so can be worn around the neck when not ‘being flaunted’ elsewhere”. The Heimlich manoeuvre had to be performed on the auld yin to remove a partially digested roll and sausage he was in the middle of eating when he read that line.
And to prove were not making this up, feel free to visit www.esculpta.com, but ideally not in front of an audience. Meanwhile, the auld yin is currently pursuing a line of enquiry as to how Karen was on Esculpta’s mailing list in the first place.
