It will surprise readers to learn that Under The Counter is a keen swimmer. However, it won’t delight them to discover he likes to sport a pair of neon yellow budgie smugglers.
UTC kids himself that 20 minutes of doggy paddling a week offsets the vast amounts of confectionery he shovels down his cakehole, you see.
But even he admits he’d have to swim to the moon and back dragging a washing machine to burn off the 200,000 or so Crème Eggs someone half-inched last month. Not quite an Olympic-sized pool’s-worth, the haul did fill the best part of an articulated lorry, which police stopped on the M42.
News of the blag delighted UTC, because the only thing the Auld Boy likes better than chocolate is a spot of cringe-inducing wordplay. There’s nothing punnier, he reckons.
The police started it, claiming they’d helped save Easter by foiling the eggs-travagant heist.
Eggs-cited that cops had cracked the case, UTC pondered whether the culprit was a hard-boiled criminal or just a fledgeling offender. And was the sweetie-stealer looking at some serious bird or would he just have to shell out a fine for his fowl deeds when hauled before the beak?
All yolking aside, there’s a side to the story other media outlets didn’t pick up on, probably because they don’t employ lowbrow Scots like UTC.
It turns out the alleged culprit labours under the unfortunate moniker of Joby Pool.
“And that would put you off swimming for life,” the Auld Boy sniggered.
