Tesco has recalled its Plant Chef 2 Meat-Free Burgers With Melting Middle because “the centre of the burgers may maintain a high temperature once cooked”.
Who’d have thought cooking something would increase its temperature?
“This may result in a burn risk to customers,” warned the supermarket giant.
Or, as Under The Counter reworded it: “There is a danger of snowflakes melting.”
Readers of a certain age will know where this is going. Much like Godwin’s law dictates that Hitler will eventually crop up in every online discussion, any story involving scaldingly hot foodstuffs will sooner or later circle back to that 1970s teatime treat, the Findus Crispy Pancake.
These came in a variety of flavours, including minced beef, cheddar cheese, and napalm. All of which were more than capable of “burning the mooth aff ye,” as the Auld Boy eloquently put it, before going off on one about the nanny state and how life was so much better when cars didn’t have seatbelts.
For anyone in possession of a melting-middle burger, Tesco politely advises: “Please don’t eat.” You can take it back to a store for a full refund instead.
Under The Counter not-so-politely advises: “Just blow on the damn thing before you gub it.”
